Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
