Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
