so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
