She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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