My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
