I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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