if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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