She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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