the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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