She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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