my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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