so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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