Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
