If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
