Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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