Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
