My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You took a bar mat shot.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
