Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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