in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
