Im at strip club and am horny
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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