rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
