Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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