dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
