i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dignity is for republicans.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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