She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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