He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
