im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
