i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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