when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
