you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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