You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
