I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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