Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize