i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
