i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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