Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
