when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
