oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
