What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
