2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
