I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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