This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
