I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
