CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
