Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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