im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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