She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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