foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
