I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
