talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
