I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
