you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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