She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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