hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
