You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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