The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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