he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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