Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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