Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
