my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
