those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize